Coming Home
Reposted: Oct. 22, 2019
Every time it’s different.
This time I feel welcomed in warmly by autumn’s cool embrace. It’s not crisp, yet, but fresh- and I’ve missed it. There’s a certain warmth that overcomes you as the temperature drops you gently into sweaters and fuzzy socks. God, I love fuzzy socks. Anyway, I’m really happy to be back in the “original home”. In fact, my time catching up with family and old friends in the past month has hit that sweet spot perfectly. I’m home a little fuller, a little more whole. And I’m only expanding more. There are so many things for me to learn here.
After two weeks of filling my mind with to-do lists about potential project ideas, work ideas, things to do etc. So much thinking and planning - no action. I kept finding myself back on the couch, mindlessly filling my plate and then quickly my mouth. Too many hours of Netflix in, it’s suddenly 6pm when I drag myself into the shower and out for a walk. The worst part of it was, I felt guilty about doing nothing the entire time. So not only could I “not get myself to do anything,” but I felt like shit for it and couldn’t even enjoy the relaxation. I had moments where I thought I had a break through and I’d go dance and do Yoga and release energy but then once again find myself in that vicious cycle of laziness and guilt!
The weekend rolled around, and I made plans to go visit my sister in Connecticut. The thing about my sister is she is the Queen of tv & snack land. So I was naturally nervous I would get lured into her ways (though they had also been my ways the whole week). As we settled into the weekend, it quickly became obvious that I had not escaped lazy land.
But there was something different here, in her space, out of my element. There was no guilt here. Ah, a sense of ease as we relaxed into the wildly dramatic TV show we had chosen.
The weekend went slowly and quickly at the same time as we rode through waves of stories, cuddles, take-out Chinese food, & lots of tv. Sunday morning my sister didn’t get out of bed until 2pm. I briefly toiled on the fact that this was my last day with her and she should wake up for me. Eventually, that thought started to annoy me enough that I booted it out, plus I knew from years of experience that waking the Queen from her slumber on a Sunday would not go my way.
I refilled my hot lemon honey tea and popped on the beanbag chair to finish the last chapters of Where the Crawdads Sing.
The next day I drove away, heading to my friend Gina’s house. When I arrived, I shared excitedly about how pleased I was to have done NOTHING all weekend long and how wonderful it was to release the usual guilt I feel on the couch.
The next twelve hours were potent with fresh, original ideas streaming through the two of us, all of which culminated in a long time DREAM of mine becoming a reality! In these few days post “lazy weekend” I’ve had more amazing ideas flow through me than I can remember in a long time. Not even just flimsy ideas but details too.
As I’m sitting here in complete awe of the fullness of creation, I remember the weekend. I remember the messy weekend of too much wine and not enough fresh air and I’m realizing that it is ONLY because I finally took the time to honor what my body and spirit were craving- to just LAY ON THE FUCKING COUCH. This is what allowed the fresh energy to flow in.
I’ve felt stale for the past weeks, stuck. And after giving in to this laziness, I see that it was never laziness after all. It was just the retreat that’s necessary with everything in life. The yin to the yang, the pull to the push, the rest to the move. Both parts are equally important.
I, like most of us, have been conditioned to view rest as “a vacation,” something you only get if you’ve “earned.”
But no, my experience is that rest is not earned. Rest is not only our innate right as human beings, but it is also our responsibility. You must take rest in order to be your best self. You must take rest in order to serve those around you. Perhaps the most valuable lesson I am learning during my transition home, is how to rest. So thank you to my sister Mollie, for giving me the space to rest, and for reminding me of the power of TV land.
